It is hard to be a christian?

JESUS never said it was going to be easy to follow Him. In fact, He told us to deny ourselves take up our cross and follow Him. It sounds like you are trying to be a Christian through works and that doesn't work. Until you have a right relationship with GOD, you will be depressed and it sounds like The Word is working on you. There is a good testimony about trying to go it alone on the testimony page at my source.